YWAM Story- Life Change

About a week after I got to YWAM (Youth with a Mission) for my DTS (Discipleship Training School) we had a get to know you night. All us new students and all the staff sat on chairs in a circle, in the center of the circle there were a lot of different cards with pictures on them on the ground. I'm not really sure what the pictures were originally from or for, maybe they were poetry prompt cards, or maybe something to use in counseling, or something. Regardless, what we were using them for was to represent how we felt then, starting the DTS, and how we wanted to feel when it was all over. As everyone searched through the pictures I pondered how I felt, and what I wanted to get out of this experience. 

It was easy for me to find my first card. A perfectly organized silverware drawer. Every spoon, fork, and knife perfectly in it's place. That was my life before. To everyone on the outside it looked like I had everything together, I behaved just like a good christian girl, I went to church and bible study every week, I knew the bible well, including a lot of historical background, especially about the old testament. I had a loving family, a few good friends, a big room all to myself that was perfectly organized, I had everything that I could want or need, every spoon and fork in it's place. A perfect life, but I still felt stale, empty, and I was confused. What could I be missing? Leaving my home and going on YWAM was the hardest thing I had ever done. It was the first time I had ever left my family for a long period of time, and I was so homesick. It felt like my whole world was flipped upside down, my whole silverware drawer, all my spoons and knifes falling in a big jumbled mess on the ground. That was my first card.

As I searched for what I wanted my second card to be, I thought about why I had come to YWAM in the first place. Firstly God had told me to go, and I had reasoned that it probably wasn't a good idea to say no to the God of the universe. But there was another reason that I went too, and I realized that it was because I wanted to change. I wasn't satisfied with the way my life was before. I wasn't satisfied with myself either. I wasn't satisfied with the emptiness. I wanted more, and I knew I had to change to find what I was longing for. I wanted to know God, and to know myself. To have deep relationships with others. To finally have my own adventure instead of always reading about the adventures of others. I wanted to really experience life. So I found my second card. 

On the second card I picked there was a picture of a guy in a red hoodie, with a backpack, and a book under his arm, walking towards an unknown future. To me he looked like he was setting off on an adventure, not afraid to really live his life, and that's what I wanted. I wanted to be fearless, to be strong, and life my own life. I wanted to stop being so shy, to stop second guessing myself, to stop worrying about being judged, and not be strangled by perfectionism. I wanted to really know God, really know myself, and really know others, with no pretending. I wanted to be the kind of person I had always wanted to be, to just live my life to the best of my ability and let that be good enough.

 Now that I have finished my DTS I  feel more like the second picture than the first. I feel more alive, more willing to take risks, and have adventures. I feel more free than I ever felt before. Right now I'm not sure what my next step in life is, but I know that I'm never going back to my perfect silverware drawer life of before, and I'm glad of that. Now I'm just going to keep heading forward, towards my next adventure, what ever it may be, trusting God that He knows what He's doing. I'm not stopping, there's no turning back now, and I'm glad of it.